


Is it lust?

by kimmy_lin



Category: Super Junior
Genre: M/M, Smut
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-04-10
Updated: 2019-04-10
Packaged: 2020-01-11 03:27:11
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 8,002
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18421857
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/kimmy_lin/pseuds/kimmy_lin
Summary: Hyukjae has a secret he has kept from Donghae for a while now.Or the one were they finish their military service and live together.





	Is it lust?

**Author's Note:**

> I know I have another one in the process but its super tv fault, okay? I'm weak.

"I kissed a guy today," Hyukjae says.

Donghae pauses. He completely loses track of the movie they are watching to look at his best friend's face instead. He's doubtful of how to proceed so he waits for some type of follow up but Hyukjae stays put, staring at the tv as if what he just said is nothing but ordinary.

"Yah. Nowadays who hasn't? You were missing out some would say," Donghae jokes and pushes his friend's arm gently trying to make him laugh. It works as always. But to be fair Hyukjae alone is the best crowd anyone could ask for.

"You are so stupid," Hyukjae says. He is sitting very straight, almost politely.

Donghae starts to take in the little bits of Hyukjae's body language and his brain alerts. He hasn't noticed before but Hyukjae's uneasy. He attempts to appease his best friend dramatic nonsense by saying, "yah. I would know, okay? You're good."

Hyukjae smiles. He finally gives up on the movie as well and lets himself relax on the couch like a normal person, "are you talking about a gay radar or something?"

"Call it what you want but it is a thing," Donghae states. He runs a hand through his uncombed schedule-free day hair and tries to look at the screen again. He considers asking Hyukjae to go back. He also considers getting new friends who aren't dumb.

"I full on kissed him tho," Hyukjae insists.

"Hyukjae," Donghae calls him seriously. He turns off the tv - really annoyed now - and meets his friend's eyes.

"What?" Hyukjae winces.

Donghae wants to ask why or who but he is a little afraid of what Hyukjae may come up with. He hopes it's something really stupid. Hyukjae loves to prank him a lot so Donghae can't be blamed for wanting to take him lightly. On the other hand, Hyukjae never talks about his relationship stuff - not ever - so Donghae does feel apprehensive, "did you kiss him?"

"He kissed me," Hyukjae mumbles.

"And you kissed him back," Donghae says understanding. Hyukjae nods as if there was confirmation needed. Donghae sighs in defeat. "Okay. Look. It's probably nothing, yeah? Kisses can be meaningless. You just got carried away." Donghae declares firmly.

"It's no the kiss itself. It's how I felt about it, " Hyukjae retorts impatiently. He tucks a strand of his dark hair behind his ears. His anxious hands grab his bonny knees.

Donghae mutes for a bit. He blinks, lost, "what are you saying?" he finally dares to ask.

"I got aroused," Hyukjae confesses.

Donghae hits him in the chest, hard. "Yah! Stop joking," he scowls.

"I'm not," Hyukjae whines.

"Jesus. Hyukjae. When was the last time you had sex?" Donghae asks him. Hyukjae's answer is a weak gasp. "That's exactly my point. Do the math. You are just crazy horny right now so it happened. It's not a big deal." Donghae grits through his teeth as if Hyukjae's stupid.

"But you've been discharged almost at the same time as me and you aren't getting on girls out of the blue," Hyukjae tries to argue.

Donghae goes silent. It's good to know his friend finds him unattractive enough to think he has no such thing as sexual life, "this may come as a big surprise to you but I've had my share of healthy sex since my discharge. Now we'll skip the part when I ask why do I have to tell you this but thanks for the compliment," he mutters offended.

His friend looks at him surprised, "oh," he says, "well that's - good for you."

Donghae covers his face with his left hand. What is even this conversation? "I'm telling you, man, it's just your hormones, okay?."

Now's Hyukjae's turn to fall silent. He seems to be considering his friend's words - thanks to God. Donghae looks away from him and sighs. It's rather pathetic they are both men in their thirties watching a movie at Donghae's apartment at 6 pm in the afternoon wearing matching pj's when it's their free day for fuck's sake. No man or woman in sight for any of them. Maybe that's why his friend had come up with such ideas. God.

"I think you are dismissing me," Hyukjae points out. Donghae sees him bite the nail of his thumb. Hyukjae has so many bad habits. He has learned to hide them over time. But they would come to the surface when something bugged him.

"I'm trying here!" Donghae huffs exasperated. He pokes his index finger at his friend's temple, trying to dig some reason out of him. Donghae is having quite the reaction. He is aware. It's just... Hyukjae isn't gay, okay?

"I don't know maybe I'm bi or something."

Donghae screams. "You're a 33-year-old full functioning man who hasn't had sex in at least 5 months. That's what's happening! As far as I'm concerned Ho Dong might have kissed you and you would have gotten aroused anyway!"

Hyukjae snorts, "why are you freaking out?"

"Why are you not freaking out?!" Donghae snaps at him instead.

Hyukjae lays his head on the sofa, looking at the ceiling, "I don't know," he admits, "I guess I started thinking and then I realized so what if I can like men too? One of my favorite people in the whole world happens to be gay."

Donghae goes red in the face. "Shut the fuck up. Getting horny it's not the same as actually...you know."

"Having butt sex?" Hyukjae asks trying to help. Donghae's face gets even redder, "because I have - with girls. More than once actually," he says simply.

"It's not about the butt sex!" Donghae exclaims outraged.

"Then what?" Hyukjae urges, "sucking dick? Rimming?"

"OH MY GOD HYUKJAE!" Donghae stands up, "I'm not having this conversation. This is a Christian household and I will not allow it!"

Hyukjae starts laughing so hard some tears even fall down his face. Donghae grumbles. He crosses his arms above his chest and sits outraged by his friend's side. Even though he hates that movie time wrecker, he still loves him very much so he decides to wait for him to regain his sense to finally put an end to this horrible conversation.

"I could have," Donghae says when the silence had stretched out enough, "I thought about it. Like actually thought about it, yeah? I was aroused and I had the opportunity. He wasn't a girl. So I didn't have this compelling need to take care of him. It just felt easy, you know. No need for flirting or whatever. We would just get off. So then it hit me that the idea of having sex with a man didn't appear horrid to me."

"Then why you didn't?" Donghae pushes him daring. He wants Hyukjae to realize he's being crazy.

"To be honest. You guys cockblocked me," Hyukjae says annoyed but laughing lightly. Donghae can see he's embarrassed by the way he scratches his head and looks away, "I've known him for almost two years now and I consider him a decent person but I kept thinking...what if I was wrong? The media lives for hunting us. I just got to my head. And you guys are the best thing that ever happened to me I just couldn't..."

Donghae curses under his breath. He was expecting his friend to give excuses so he could disarm his entire facade. He didn't expect the man to be so crudely honest. Donghae stares at his friend and clenches his teeth. The sacrifices they had made along the way. They all could feature a strong heart entire season and it wouldn't be enough. He squeezes Hyukjae's hand for about two seconds. Thanking him.

"Lee Donghae, listen to me clearly," Hyukjae says looking him in the eye, "you were just really horny and he happened to be there, okay? Once you get laid and realize it. We will laugh about this. Like forever, because I'll remind you this till the day I die. I promise."

"So you are saying I should just fuck my insecurities away?" Hyukjae asks raising an eyebrow.

Donghae hates him for making him say disgusting retrograde shit like that. What's next? Reversion camp? God. His entire community might be shaking their heads at him.

"Because it's the dude thing all over again but with a girl," Hyukjae continues ranting, "and it's not like I'm gonna walk into a brothel or something. You know I don't support that kind of thing also it's against the law and I don't want to be on the news apologizing to the entire nation, thank you."

"Then get a fucking girlfriend," Donghae stops him almost out of patience."

"I won't get a girlfriend just to get laid," Hyukjae retorts with indignation, "the next girl I date is the one I"ll marry."

Donghae rolls his eyes. "Then get fucking married, dude! Have lots of sex and stop coming to my apartment to interrupt my movie nights with your horny bullshit."

"To be fair you are the one who turned it off," Hyukjae points.

"I hate you." Donghae says bitterly, "I shouldn't have let you get an apartment at my same building."

"Liar. You were really excited about us being neighbors."

Hyuk Jae is not wrong about Donghae being excited. He is wrong about the neighbor's term. 'Neighbors' is an understatement. 'Roommates' is almost the correct term because if Hyukjae already spent most of his free time in Donghae's apartment before he got in the army. It became way worst after.

They had a strict sleeping military schedule for an entire year and a half. Hyukjae adapted back rather easily but Donghae's body didn't. He struggled to pick up their hayllu ever dynamic sleeping routine. He also was just getting old. But being surrounded by hyperactive boys that were just learning to be in their thirties didn't actually give him room for complaining. Hyukjae noticed tho. So he took him to his homeopathic doctor. Everything the man could do to stop him taking sleeping pills. Donghae was just tired of him frowning every time he would do them. So he gave in.

Long story short Donghae was diagnosed under high amounts of stress. Shocking, right?

Hyukjae started crashing at his bed ever since. He would talk to him to exhaustion and keep all screens away from him after 10 pm. And it worked. Everyone commented on the results. His bandmates were thrilled with his songwriting. His mom was happy he looked healthier. His acne tamed down. Soo Man gave him thumbs up.

There wasn't a single reason to stop. So the first month passed by and there was a new toothbrush on Donghae's bathroom. The second month brought a shoe rack - but that was mostly to hide Hyukjae's embarrassing anchovy sleepers. The third-month Hyukjae got a drawer in the main bathroom for his favorite shampoo, soaps and towels. The fourth, they purchased a new refrigerator because Hyukjae insisted they needed wifi on the thing for some reason. Donghae gifted his old one to his happy aunt.

By the fifth month, apparently, they were having awkward conversations during movie nights.

Donghae had thought about the lack of social life of his friend since his discharge at least a couple of times but he had never asked him because Hyukjae was private when it came to dating. So Donghae had just concluded since Hyukjae spent all of his free time together, that well - he couldn't be dating anybody.

Donghae wasn't either. But he did have one stands. He never introduced any of them to Hyukjae. But he's sure he did pick up a couple of playful phone calls in front of him. He understands now why Hyukjae walked into his apartment with his spare key not even minding to ring the fucking bell as if he just strongly believed Donghae wasn't entitled to his own privacy. Turns out the man actually believed he wasn't going to walk in on anything. It has never crossed his little mind that Donghae had been keeping his dirty business outside on purpose. He doesn't feel insulted by it. It amazes him instead. How incredibly blunt his best friend can be. To be fair with him, since they had started their comeback production Donghae didn't have much going on - or anything really. Men who are dating material can be counted on the fingers of one hand. And frankly, Donghae isn't looking. What is meant to be will be. Or something like that. Also, Donghae has pretty much lost contact with all of his booty calls after his military service - or should I say after ignoring their calls and texts for months. He has new ones now. Prettier and manageable, one can never be too careful.

"We should have made a roommate agreement," Donghae regrets.

Hyukjae throws a pillow at him. "I'm ordering food."

"Pick something spicy," Donghae asks.

He listens to Hyukjae's cellphone beep as he calls somewhere to order hot wings. _Yeah, maybe they both are single as fuck_ \- Donghae thinks. But he's happy with things just the way they are for now.

The hot wings Hyukjae gets them delivered 15 minutes after makes him forget about everything.

 

  
*

 

They don't talk about it again.

Hyukjae starts not spending his every free time at Donghae's house/their home. But he still arrives at 10 pm religiously to put him to bed. Donghae doesn't ask questions. Even when he begins to pick up on a scent that he can't recognize on his friend's clothes. He's happy for him. Hyukjae wants to marry and have children so dating it's the right thing for him to do.

Also, his absence gives Donghae the mood and time to write his beloved ballads.

He finishes a song he's really proud of. One more chance, he titles it.

 

*

 

Hyukjae walks on him one day at the improvised studio he had made out of his apartment guest room and overhears his song.

"I've been craving a power ballad for our comeback," he says softly, "we need to make hyungs hear this."

Donghae shrugs, "ballads are not exactly popular nowadays," he reasons.

Hyukjae smacks him in the head, "have you forgotten who we are?" he states proudly.

Donghae smiles. Hyukjae is fucking corny but he is right, "I still think it needs a punch. Something modern an cool to draw attention for people who don't know us."

"Like a rap?" Hyukjae asks.

"Maybe something soft but powerful." Donghae trails off, "it's super junior's come back after all."

"Do you want me to give it a try?" Hyukjae's brown eyes met his as he asks. Donghae notices the bite marks down his friend's neck.

 _I won't get a girlfriend just to get laid._ He's so full of shit.

Donghae nods slowly, "if you have the time," he mutters.

"It would be my pleasure, silly." Hyukjae hurries to say. He takes Donghae's sheet of lyrics and chords and there's this spark on his eyes.

Donghae thinks he may be missing the asshole but he bites his lips before saying something unnecessary.

 

  
*

 

Hyukjae gives him the lyrics he has written on day one at the recording studio. He kept it a secret from him because production wasn't entirely sure if a rap would fit the song and Hyukjae didn't want Donghae fighting anybody. Donghae is grateful because it takes Hyukjae rapping it once for his expectations to be succeeded by miles.

"I'm out," he says. Because there's absolutely nothing he could do there. Not a single point to make. It's perfect and Donghae's heart race excitedly in his chest as he exits the room.

He just can't wait for this song - _their song_ \- to get out. He wants their fans to listen to it and love it as much as he does.

He has all these pictures in his head of how the mv's going to be. His hyungs tease him about it a lot outside the recording room accusing him of wanting it to be the main song of the album but he can't be bothered. He's so freaking happy. Donghae goes to the lobby to write the ideas on his head in a note on his phone before they fly away. That's when he finds Hyukjae's phone on the table. He picks it up without thinking twice. He doesn't have intentions of snooping around he just wants to take a disturbing picture of himself and hopefully annoy his friend when he notices it later.

But just then he receives this text. It lights up the screen and Donghae doesn't expect it.

 

 

 

 

 

 

> _I want you to fuck me senseless._

The phone drops from his hands rather dramatically. The world freezes and goes into a slow-motion mode. Because it's not a girl who shows up in the avatar. It's a guy in a military uniform instead. Donghae can recognize him from pictures Hyukjae has shown him from his division. He carefully puts the phone back to his exact last place but faces it down.

He struggles to keep up conversations for the rest of the day.

  
*

 

Donghae doesn't know how to fucking bring it up and so two week passes. They have such a tight schedule it's impossible to have spare time for it. They have recorded the entire album by now and there's only the engineering work left. But that just means they have the mv shootings due now. The first one of them would be black suit so they are hitting hard the dance studio. Since there are less of them mistakes will stand out more and it weights in all of their shoulders. They are working really hard and Donghae loves them very much but he tries not to get emotional and make them uncomfortable. That's Yesung's work now anyway.

Donghae's sleeping time isn't a problem anymore, he notices. He's so exhausted he goes to bed really early. He even has woken up to a Hyukjae sleeping by his side. Hyukjae who is on his phone more than ever. Even if it's for a minute or two because that's how busy they are. Everyone eyes him suspiciously. Heechul dares to tease him once about it but Hyukjae says nothing as always.

For some reason, Donghae can't stop noticing the quiet smiles the screen steals from Hyukjae's brown eyes.

  
*

 

Donghae gives the producer all his ideas for his song's mv and the staff is delighted. Donghae is proud. He won't deny it. Which of course earns him a lot of teasing. They are also filming this internet special for Naver's V Live so they are recording all the freaking time. Trying to make it fun but real as Shindong hyung likes to say. They have scheduled the shooting for One more Chance in four days. So they have fitting and hair and acting rehearsals to do.

 

*

 

Hyukjae gets home early the day the members get the scripts.

"Yah!" He says kicking Donghae's bedroom door wide open.

Donghae looks up from his never-ending copy of Romeo and Juliet and greets him with a frown.

"Why I'm the only one getting soaked up in the mv?" Hyukjae demands, he's pretending to be pissed off when he's actually just slightly annoyed. He loves doing that, especially around Yesung.

"You're early," Donghae counterattacks.

Hyukjae startles and gets a little red in the face, "don't change the subject!" he says accusingly.

"Well, if you must know. Your rap is kind of the special part of the song. It made sense it had the most visuals," Donghae explains simply.

"I like to think my good looks are enough visual," Hyukjae complains but he seems damn satisfied with Donghae's response.

His cellphone beeps then. _The damn thing only beeps and beeps, doesn't it?_ Donghae squeezes the hardcover of his book but it isn't enough to calm him down. He swallows and tries to think of nice things. Like their upcoming album or Yesung farting at the Black Suit dance practice in front of the american choreographer. Instead of the post orgasmic freshness Hyukjae sports right now. It doesn't work tho. Donghae fails at holding back his words. "I think it's stupid to ask to this point but you are dating, right?"

Hyukjae pauses. He has his phone now at his hands since he has reached it out of his jeans pockets. He looks at Donghae like a child that has been caught and puts his phone away, "not really," he lies.

Donghae laughs bitterly and proceeds to make himself comfortable on the mattress. He puts down his book on the nightstand and turns to his favorite sleeping side to close his eyes and hopefully pass out so he doesn't get lied in the face by his best friend anymore.

Hyukjae doesn't move. Seconds become hours and minutes, ages before Hyukjae speaks again, "hey. Don't forget to make room for me. You slept in the whole bed yesterday and I had trouble not waking you up," he says softly.

He's trying to offer his friend peace and Donghae should take his attempts. But he can't. He's so angry. He doesn't know how to stop feeling so ugly.

"Well if it bothers you I should remind you, you have a perfect bed in your own apartment," he retorts and he regrets it immediately. Donghae hates fighting. He feels a hole in his guts. He knows he should be trying to get words out of Hyukjae. Not snapping at him for fuck's sake. What is wrong with him?

"Okay," Hyukjae responds and he sounds hurt.

Donghae hugs his pillow hard, bracing himself for Hyukjae exiting his room without saying goodbye or something. But then there's movement on the mattress and Donghae realizes Hyukjae is not going away. Donghae feels like crying as he listens to his friend getting his socks and jeans off and changing into his pajamas. It takes him forever to get under the blankets but Donghae still gives him his back like an utter asshole. He wishes he could find the courage to turn around and face him, apologize properly while he is on it.

Hyukjae beats him by hugging him first, "I can't sleep without you," he admits, "nor I want to."

Donghae tears up but holds. "I didn't mean it," he mumbles with a broken voice.

"I know," Hyukjae reassures him.

He has his face pressed between Donghae's scapulas. Donghae can feel him breathing even under the clothing. The room is silent and loaded of all the things Donghae wants to ask but doesn't: _Are you okay? Are you really fucking that guy? Do you feel scared? Are you hurting? I don't want you to walk alone on this. You're brave and perfect. We love you. Always._

"Let's get to sleep. I'll turn off the lamp," Hyukjae says when he feels it's okay to move on.

Donghae still doesn't dare to turn because he's a coward and Hyukjae deserves better friends. When Hyukjae returns to bed he spoons him again, absently shifting his fingers in Donghae's arms to soothe him. It's a silent lullaby. Donghae would want to comment on how ridiculous it is that Hyukjae is the one comforting him when it should be the other way around.

In the end they both sleep so tightly they are late the next morning.

 

*

 

Hyukjae's looks so good running under the rain in set everyone else gets super jealous of his part.

 

*

 

Hyukjae is never on his phone when Donghae is around anymore. Whenever Donghae walks on him Hyukjae's phone just goes right back in his pockets and it annoys the hell out of Donghae. Hyukjae is early at home as well. He joins Donghae for dinner and movies and curls up in bed with him as if the past three weeks had never happened. He talks about all kinds of things but the ones he really should and Donghae is too tired to try to get words out of him.

It doesn't stop him from feeling miserable tho.

"We're having our comeback stage tomorrow," Hyukjae says excitedly one night when they are in bed, "we're going to kill it."

Donghae stretches quietly. He has always loved Hyukjae's confidence. It's nice and reassuring. Donghae turns to him and reaches one hand to put back his side fringe behind his ear so he can stop eating his own hair for a change. Hyukjae helps him with a smile. He has told him a billion times now he really likes this haircut on him. They get really close naturally. To the point, all Donghae can see is his friend's brown eyes. And maybe that's the ultimate fuel he needs to finally find the courage to ask, "how long are you planning on keeping me out?"

Hyukjae sighs. His smile fades and he shifts to face the ceiling. They seriously need to stop arguing in bed. It's fucking weird. However, Donghae has struggled too much to get there to dare to step back even if he doesn't like it.

"Do I have to beat the words out of you?" Donghae pushes one more time but there's no anger in his voice. There are concern and love.

"Are you going to dismiss me again?" Hyukjae asks.

"I didn't dismiss you," Donghae whines but guilt does roam through his sweaty palms. He could have done better. That's for sure.

"I needed to know if I could. You had a point. Maybe I was being pure talk. I wanted to make sure so I could tell you confidently and not just hypothetically. "

"I didn't advise you that," Donghae complains.

Hyukjae just remains silent. He looks at Donghae's eyes after a while, "I didn't lie to you tho. I'm not dating him. I don't want to date a man. I know that."

Donghae's bowels shift. The words 'him' and 'man' float in the air. He's scared but he has to ask, "are you...?"

"I haven't fucked him yet. We are doing things but we haven't..." Hyukjae shrugs.

"But you are you planning to," Donghae understands.

Hyukjae nods, "tomorrow after our congratulatory barbecue."

Donghae breaths loudly. _He actually wants to go through this._  His brain feels out of place. "Are you okay?" he finally asks. Because that's what matters in the end.

"I'm not freaking out if that's what you are asking," Hyukjae responds.

Donghae purses his lips as this voice inside his head tells him  _this is beyond the curiosity point_. Hae looks at his friend but can't see anything different. This clearly isn't out of love. Still, his whole world is changing why is he so collected? It doesn't make sense. "Perhaps, do you have any question of how to-?"

"I'm good," Hyukjae cuts him off. His cheeks flush a pretty shade of pink and he sports an even prettier embarrassed smile. Donghae could write a book of all the different types of smiles Hyukjae has, "this isn't his first rodeo. If anything I'm the one who is learning."

Donghae nods. He pushes away the ugly tingling sensation at his fingerprints and focuses on his best friend instead, "come here," he urges him, shifting enough so he can hug his friend comfortably.

Hyukjae fits in his arms perfectly. He's so skinny and precious. Donghae feels it's wrong for an ordinary dude to have him. He feels like he should somehow guide Hyukjae trough this. Teach him about the ratings. And how he's a total 10 and shouldn't settle down for less. He's also worried sick for him. He remembers how messy and careless his first years were. He doesn't want that for his friend. "Should I make a big deal out of this?" he asks doubtfully.

"I love that you like me enough to ask me this when we both know how dramatic you are about everything," Hyukjae says smiling.

"This isn't exactly nothing," Donghae frowns at him.

"It's just sex, Donghae." Hyukjae states shrugging.

Donghae looks at him straight in the eyes for a while. It's weird to hear him say such things. Whatever happened in the army, huh? Where did his prude go? "You are sounding like Heechul," Hae says shaking his head.

Hyukjae snorts a little. Donghae hugs him tighter as if they could become one is he squeezes hard enough. He wants to push more obviously but he figures this is already a lot coming from Hyukjae. His friend probably just needs this, he wants Donghae to be happy for him. And he is...right?

They fall asleep like that and they wake up gravely sore the next morning. They mutually agree on not having serious conversations in bed thenceforth.

 

*

 

Their comeback stage is a resounding success. Donghae pushes all his thoughts aside successfully. It's easy to get distracted with the lights and the cameras. But it all ends eventually and they are at this restaurant for their barbecue party and Hyukjae's at his phone a lot. No matter how hard Donghae tries to steal his attention from it.

They all drink a couple of extra shots for what they should at a staff gathering but they are together so who cares if they get dumb and tipsy.

Every other drink Donghae shots down his throat. This desire to smack Hyukjae's phone away gets bigger. He doesn't realize he has exceeded his limit widely until he tries to stand up to grab a bottle of soju and everything spins. Hyukjae's there. He's always there for him. "I think I'm going to take this kid home," he says and his hyungs boo at him.

Donghae himself fights him very drunkenly and tries to hug the table. His body burns everywhere Hyukjae touches so it isn't a fair battle. He's pretty sure Yesung takes a picture of him. Red-faced and frankly kinda aroused. But Donghae can't be bothered to feel embarrassed. Hyukjae manages to jank him off the table rather easily. A big wide smile on his face in the process.

 _He looks so goofy_  - Donghae thinks as he stares at his pink shiny lips.

"I can walk," he says trying to push his friend away.

Hyukjae runs a wary arm trough his waist to give him support, "of course. I'm just trying to take advantage here," he jokes wiggling his eyebrows. Donghae tries to hit him but ends up practically hugging him. 

Hyukjae drags him into one of the company cars waiting outside. Donghae's head is spinning like a blender by then. He knows he should be a little more scared for his life but whenever Hyukjae is around Donghae feels bulletproof. Also counting his raced beating heart is kinda entertaining. Donghae might hold a conversation with his friend in the car, he thinks. However, his brain is to dizzy to process words so he doesn't know what on earth he mumbles to Hyukjae. He hopes it's just nonsense.

Hyukjae decides to carry him to his own apartment because it's one floor closer and Donghae is so intoxicated he can't help in the slightest. The driver offers to help but Hyukjae insists he'll be able to handle it. At least he lets the man help him put Donghae on his back. The car goes away and Hyukjae makes his shaky way to the elevator. Donghae remains awfully quiet but that's because he feels Hyukjae's phone buzzing on his pants the entire fucking way. It makes him uneasy.

This voice inside his head is convinced Donghae shouldn't let him leave and he doesn't know how to make it stop. After all it's not his place. Hyukjae is a grown man. It's brave of him to face his sexual endeavors without prejudgements. Like all people should  do. To be able to do whatever it makes them happy. Hyukjae is so precious he deserves everything in the entire world. Then why the fuck Donghae is having so much trouble accepting it. He feels like he's dancing at the edges of an abyss and if he does open his mouth right now he will most certainly fall.

"You're heavy damn it," Hyukjae curses stopping at the door and trying to fit his key in.

Donghae says "fighting" or something because Hyukjae laughs for an entire minute.

Somehow he makes it to the bedroom and pushes Donghae down the mattress before flopping down to the floor, made a complete gasping mess, "I thought we weren't gonna make it," he pants, "yah Lee Donghae. I was this close to making you sleep on the couch, you know? I hope you know how lucky you are," he complains laughing slightly.

Donghae finds it hilarious. He would like to stand up, grab Hyukjae by his collar and lay him next to him in bed. He's an overly affectionate drunk after all. Hyukjae knows it so there shouldn't be a problem. If he just could, that is. Because his gravity center is long gone now. Donghae doubts he would be able to sit even if he tried to. He has turned into a baby who isn't even 4 months old. God.

"Let's take off your shoes," Hyukjae says patting Donghae's knees so he would give his legs out for Hyukjae to deal with his shoelaces.

Hyukjae has also had his share of drinks so it takes him some time but he succeeds. Then he proceeds to take Donghae's belt off. It tickles. Donghae laughs and squirms away.

"Stay still you asshole," Hyukjae scolds him but he's smiling. Somehow he manages to strip Donghae's pants down his legs. "God I hate you," he whispers.

Donghae grunts and puts his arms above his head as if he were enjoying the premium service. Hyukjae rolls his eyes, "yah! Am I your boyfriend to be doing this?" he asks annoyed.

Donghae shakes his head no. Closed eyes and deeply alcoholized he says, "I don't do boyfriends. Men are dumb."

Hyukjae startles. Donghae has never told him anything related to his relationships. He only discussed this matters with hyungs. Wich annoyed Hyukjae deeply. Being the only one Donghae kept completely out. But he couldn't even complain because since he kept his own for himself too. Still Hyukjae never told anyone anything. Not only Donghae for Christ fucking sake.

To be honest Hyukjae had long assumed his friend was single but there is a difference between guessing and knowing.

Hyukjae feels suddenly heated. He's too drunk to be unbuttoning someone else's shirt.

"That's probably good. I mean. He would kill me otherwise." he comments.

Donghae just helps by raising his arms to finally lose the last piece of clothing. He thinks Hyukjae is staring but he's probably imagining things. Hyukjae puts the blankets above him an rolls him up like a burrito.

"Don't loose this. You'll freeze to death, you hear me?" Hyukjae pleads but the blankets are so comfy Donghae's brain starts shutting off.

Hyukjae's phone starts buzzing again but this time he answers, "hey! Yeah. No. Donghae got a little drunk so I had to bring him home. Yeah. I'm putting him to bet right now. What? Of course not! I wanna be there. I told you. I want this. It's all I've been thinking about."

Donghae growls his disagreement and kicks the blankets off.

"Shit," Hyukjae mutters. "Look. I'm just gonna make sure he's good and then I'll be there, okay?"

Donghae wants to sit and coerce Hyukjae to curl up in bed with him. To not let him leave. He doesn't want him fucking that stupid guy. He's not even decent looking whatsoever. It doesn't make any sense but his body doesn't follow any of his commands so Donghae can only hear ruffling around the room.

Hyukjae's face appears in front of him a while after, "do you want to throw up?" He asks.

Donghae says no or maybe denies with his head. He's really out of it to be sure.

"God. Donghae. Why today?" Hyukjae growls but pets his hair until Donghae's eyes start shutting again.

Donghae can only fight it for so long. Still, he gets to squeeze Hyukjae's hand before he goes completely unconscious. "Don't," he pleads and then he's out.

He dreams of a lake. His feet are buried to his ankles. The water is cold. And when he submerges on it he thinks he sees brown eyes looking at him in the dark.

 

  
*

 

Donghae wakes up at 4 am. Hyukjae is gone. The room isn't spinning anymore so he can make his shameful way to the bathroom to puke his soul out. He sees things in there he doesn't even remember eating. Donghae puts the lid on and flushes it with a disgusted face. He sits next to the toilet just in case he wants to throw up again.

He feels incredibly lonely and stupid. He wants someone rubbing his back and handing him water. But he is all alone in Hyukjae's apartment. Hyukjae who is fucking his military pal right now and doesn't care if he dies in his sleep.

_He likes him that much, huh?_

Donghae does throw up again. He keeps his head in the toilet for almost fifteen minutes before daring to move. Then he rinses his mouth with the stuff he finds in the bathroom and walks back to the room. He notices Hyukjae has left him a big glass of water at the nightstand but it just makes the hole in his guts bigger. Donghae curses at him. He's still drunk so he won't try to side with him.

Donghae braces himself under the blankets almost in a fetal position but he can't fall asleep. He gets so angry at himself and Hyukjae because the man doesn't have a tv in his bedroom like a normal person. Donghae won't wait for him like a cheated wife or something. Let alone staring at his ceiling and smelling Hyukjae's cologne in the sheets while he guesses how many times they should have fucked by now. Because that's just pathetic. Why the hell does he feel like this dude is taking something from Hyukjae that shouldn't be his? It's bullshit. But reason doesn't stop Donghae from feeling like this.

His eyes are so tired but his brain is wide awake. It despairs him. Donghae punches the mattress several times before giving up. He kicks everything to the side and sits up. It is kinda cold. Hyukjae had undressed him and given him his favorite quilt. He hasn't even minded if Donghae puked on it. He had just wanted him warm. It's horrible timing for Donghae's eyes to find this picture of them both from trainee days on the dresser that faces the left side of the room.

Whatever he would wait for him and hug him because that's what a best friend should do. So he gets up and walks to the living room. He takes the quilt with him. He makes it halfway to the corridor that connects to the living room when he's abruptly stopped by the keys at the front door.

Donghae freezes for a second before running back to the room in sheer panic. He throws himself down the mattress and hides under the covers like a scared child. He probably does a terrible job at it but his sympathetic system is getting the best of him right now. Because all Donghae can think about is  _this is too early to come back from a scheduled passionate night._

Hyukjae enters the room seconds after. Donghae can hear him sigh as he makes his way to sit at the end of the bed. He remains there in total silence for a while. Donghae doesn't know what to expect. He also doesn't know how to feign unconsciousness while he feels so aware of everything. He can't concentrate on his breathing or pipe down his heart rate.

Hyukjae begins stripping down in silence. Eventually, he climbs onto the bed. Donghae freezes. He's pretty sure he hasn't heard him putting any pajamas on.

"I couldn't do it," Hyukjae says slowly. Almost secretly. He sounds helpless and tired. It makes Donghae's body get really warm.

He can only tremble as Hyukjae starts looking for him between sheets and duvets.

"This shit isn't going away because the truth is he's not the one I wanna fuck," Hyukjae confesses.

Donghae is painfully aware they both are only in boxers. Which isn't new for them. But it has never been like this. He covers his face between his arms once he is found. He doesn't want to look up. He doesn't want his friend to see him like this. Aroused and willing. Hyukjae pulls at his wrists and Donghae fights him as hard as he can.

"Look at me," Hyukjae asks him. It's an intimate tone they haven't shared before. It's the last welfare preserving alarm for Donghae to back the fuck off.

"Stop," Donghae cries.

"Please."

"No! What are you doing?" Donghae yells at him as tears stubbornly make their way down his face. He's drunk and confused and horny and it's hard to see clear through it but he is really trying here. Because that's his best friend in the entire world right there. And he can't give him up. Never. He feels so damn hurt that Hyukjae doesn't mind it.

Except Hyukjae does. "You think it's easy for me?" he says sounding broken.

Donghae doesn't want to hear him anymore. He wants him to leave but he also wants him to stay. He doesn't want to feel fucking relieved Hyukjae hasn't fucked that guy tonight. But he does.

"I've been pushing this around for so many years," Hyukjae continues, "convincing myself it would pass some day."

Donghae doesn't know how to breathe anymore.

"I've had such beautiful girlfriends. Smart and sexy, skilled in bed if you will yet fucking them didn't stop this hunger."

"Shut up," Donghae pleads again.

"I said to myself it would be over once we enlisted. That time away from you would do the trick. But then it got worse. I dreamed of you every night. It fucking scared me how powerful this desire was. And then he came around. I just wanted to give it a go. I was ready to accept myself being gay or bi or whatever. As long as this wasn't a strictly-Lee-Donghae-thing it would be alright. But then he touched me and I felt nothing. He went down on me and I had to close my eyes and picture you to even bear with it. Turns out I'm not attracted to men, Donghae. I just want you. For some reason. God helps me. You make me so hard all the fucking time. I just-" Hyukjae ends shaking his head unable to keep on.

Donghae's body shiver. His hard shaft screams for attention against the soft fabric of his underwear. Because he wants this and he can't lie to himself. Hyukjae looks down at him. He notices the bulge and he bites his lips. Donghae can't deal with it so he hugs his friend out of embarrassment. Wanting to escape from those brown eyes. He presses his face between Hyukjae's neck and right shoulder. However, in doing so their bodies get close and their erections meet soft warm skin.

Donghae holds onto Hyukjae terrified. He can feel his friend is huge against his pelvis but he can't dare to move. 

"I want to touch you," Hyukjae whispers at his ear.

Donghae gasps. It's hopelessly cute that Hyukjae's hands are asking for permission when Donghae's hard dick is pressing against his hip bone.

Donghae breaths heavily. He wants to give in oh so fucking much. Hyukjae's right there and his warmth is inviting and home-like. And he very well knows he shouldn't. For all the living things he likes in this world he can say he knows better but it doesn't stop him from nodding.

So Hyukjae's hands do. They run over his sides and down to his ass. He pulls him in hard as if it were possible for them to get even closer. Then he finally rocks his hips. With every thrust, every hope of Donghae making him stop flies through the window. He closes his eyes and let's himself enjoy.

Hyukjae feels him and presses his thigh between Donghae's legs. It earns a bewildered moan from him. Open and honest.

It takes Hyukjae by surprise. Their eyes met and Donghae can recognize a devilish spark in them. He's about to push him before he does whatever the hell he is thinking of doing but Hyukjae is faster he pinches Donghae's ass cheeks with open palms. His fingers brush and stretch skin awfully close to the part of Donghae's body that begin feeling too damn empty. It's rough but Donghae loves rough in bed. He gets so turned on he bites at the skin next to Hyukjae's collarbone.

Hyukjae bites a moan. Donghae doesn't hide from him anymore. He stares him dead in the eyes waiting for his response.

Hyukjae crashes him for that. Using his entire body he shifts them around as if Donghae weights nothing and gets on top of him. Donghae has time only to gasp excitedly as his back flops down against the mattress. Hyukjae's hips start dancing against him wholeheartedly as if he was fucking him. Donghae can't help but meeting him in the middle, thrusting his hips wildly as he growls his pleasure. Again and again. The heat starts building up on Donghae and he gets frantic. He can't wait for it. He braces himself on Hyukjae's scapulas like an animal. He probably even scratches Hyukjae's back more than once as this whining shameless moans get out of his throat because he is so close. Even if it's just like this. Teased and very much first experienced with.

When Donghae finally comes his load is so massive he has to jerk himself dry against Hyukjae's belly until the last wave of pleasure vanishes. Then he collapses back on the bed, gasping and made a cursing mess.

Hyukjae stares at him through half closed blurry eyes as he still rocks his cock against him. His lips are red and swollen from how hard he bites on them trying to hold back his orgasm. Donghae knows he shouldn't but he finds himself opening his legs wide and bending down enough to make him room for thrusting against other parts of his body. Hyukjae curses. There's too much fabric on the way but he can still feel Donghae's hole with the head of his pulsing cock. 

"Fuck," he cries.

His arms tremble around Donghae. He's practically planking at this point. Donghae can feel every inch of him grinding at his perineum. Hyukjae's body radiates heat. It melts him. Hyukjae fists the sheets as he rocks his hips at a peace Donghae doesn't understand how he even manages to keep without losing it until he hears him whine "please."

It hits Donghae then, that Hyukjae actually doesn't know how to ask for it. Donghae feels his blood pulsing at his temples so loudly it makes him dizzy. 

"You want this," Donghae says snapping out of his lust and startling. His thighs feel like jelly.

Hyukjae eyes are fully closed now. His face like that is the most erotic thing Donghae has ever seen.

"Yeah," Hyukjae answers in a whisper.

And Donghae finally understands his best friend isn't talking shit. Donghae gets so heated up his body doesn't know where to collect semen from. He has been emptied but if Hyukjae were to ask him Donghae would let him fuck him even raw. He's that turned on.

Donghae's right hand travels down. Hyukjae's brown eyes are pure anticipation. Donghae doesn't miss a color of his expression as his fingers grab onto Hyukjae's warm length. Hyukjae's cock is so big Donghae has to bites his own lips to not say filthy shit. He jerks him off just a couple of times then Hyukjae is bucking his hips and moaning. His moans are so fucking straight Donghae doesn't know how to feel.

He can only see the amount of hot cum everywhere and panic.

_Oh. Shit._

 

 


End file.
